22 Dec YOUR ALLY EXISTS IN THE HEART OF DEFEAT
None of us wants to face defeat, and wouldn’t you agree we do everything to avoid it? As trying as the experience may be, your ally exists in the heart of defeat.
One of the ways I’ve felt defeated is in the family I come from. I felt self-conscious growing up one of seven kids and blue collar family, wearing hand me downs, and parents that didn’t finish school. My mother is Mexican, and immigrated from Hong Kong, my friends said she spoke with an accent. My dad came from a poor family, picking cotton, and an abusive, alcoholic father, and fought depression all his life. Only one of my siblings has a college degree.
We always had food on the table, and presents under the Christmas tree. Money always seemed tight, and six kids fought and competed for the love of my absent father, which seemed to me at an early age a losing battle, so I retreated. I felt unimportant in this family, and unlike the rest, and deeply sad.
Hard knocks came, losing two sisters under the age of 50 years old from alcohol abuse, and my niece under the age of 18, then my grandmother, then my father. Grief was kind of all I knew, and I tried to run from it, mask it, pretend it wasn’t there. Oh, I showed up to do hair everyday, and take care of clients, working forty hours a week. Bless their hearts, showing their loyalty to someone who had such growing to do. Each one of them proved to be an ally, developing an intimacy I didn’t have at home, and enjoying long term friendship, even though I was serving them.
At some point, it became obvious that I needed to deal with the baggage I carried. I found a therapist who took that lonely walk with me, I still consider her to be no other than an angel in disguise. There were days I laid on her couch and just sobbed, as there was much disappointment I harbored in my heart. I literally would get in the car afterward, and sit until I could gather enough energy to drive myself home. Somehow I knew, that this was the way through to my own personal freedom.